it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
