I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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