Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Randomize
