From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
