I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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