I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
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You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
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I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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