So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
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I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
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I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
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