I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
