I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
