Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Even the bartender felt bad for me
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Randomize
