the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize