ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
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