Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
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