I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
