I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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