i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
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I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
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Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
The air taste purple.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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