i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
