alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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