R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
