I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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