Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
