don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
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