come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Randomize
