Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
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It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
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True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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