he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
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