there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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