literally had 100 drinks last night.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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