I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
