96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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