My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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