its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
