Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
