My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
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