I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
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