I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
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