Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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