apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
