you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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