Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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