Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
