I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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