i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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