if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I'm at about main and main street
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
