Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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