I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
