If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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