Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
