Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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