I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Randomize
