Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
