Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
