Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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