Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Randomize
