you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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