I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
